Voice-This assembly is now in session! All rise for the honorable Orlandouglas, magistrate and arbiter!
[The scene is a dark, brooding room. The walls and floor are built of cold, unbending steel girders that stretch vertically, beyond the extent of the feeble, dim lights shining throughout. An abomination walks out on an elevated stage, revealed by the illumination to have skin halved between light and dark pigments, dressed in a crimson robe. This figure stalks across his platform to a tall-backed chair, turning and standing in front of it and staring down below at five television monitors. Each monitor has a black outline of a person staring out from it, and above each is a single letter: C for one, P for another, R, K, and J for the third, fourth, and fifth respectively. Orlandouglas turns towards the assembled and speaks, his voice a blend of the company’s management team.]
Orlandouglas-Are the plaintiffs prepared to present their case?
[The monitors each speak an affirmation.]
Orlandouglas-Then this Court of Public Opinion is now in session. Bring forth the accused!
[The arrival of the prisoner is heralded by the ominous rhythm of his boots clanging against the steel floor. He steps forth from a doorway at the very back of the scene, stepping up onto a slightly raised dais and looking up into the shadowy faces of his accusers. A spotlight beams on from overhead, shining down cruelly upon AWOL’s features as he stands, manacled, in the center of the room. The light is a glaring white fluorescent, picking out and magnifying any flaws visible to those who are actively attempting to look for them. Orlandouglas, however, seems only confused.]
Orlandouglas-The entirety of the Empire stands accused, Mr. AWOL. Why are you standing here alone?
AWOL-Throughout the last several weeks I have faced these charges on my own. I see no reason why that should change now simply because the zero hour is approaching.
Orlandouglas-Very well. You and your organization stand charged with being mediocre, bland, and inferior to the Five Star Society. How do you plead?
AWOL-I object.
[Consternation breaks out! The voices from the television monitors shout out at once!]
R-You can’t object!
P-That’s breaking the rules don’t you know how courtrooms work! You’re an idiot! And a tool!
K-…
C-He broke the rules! Clearly that means I’ve won, before we even start! Case dismissed!
[Orlandouglas slams his gavel home repeatedly, shouting for order. As the voices on the monitors blissfully drop back to silence, albeit temporary, the hybrid horror fixes a baleful eye upon the defendant.]
Orlandouglas-Mr. AWOL, am I to understand that you are objecting to entering a plea?
AWOL-You are.
Orlandouglas-Under what precedent?
AWOL-Under the precedent that I object to the term “plea.” The word has more than one definition, but it’s primary meaning is to humbly seek aid from someone who is in a position of authority. To be honest, I object to the implication that this courtroom has any authority over me.
Orlandouglas-This is the Court of Public Opinion Mr. AWOL! This is the highest court in the land! Our authority is all encompassing, and I assure you it includes you as well.
AWOL-I object all the same.
Orlandouglas-Then your objection is overruled. Continue with these courtroom theatrics, Mr. AWOL, and I will hold you in contempt.
AWOL-Which would be appropriate, given the fact that I hold everyone involved in this case in a similar fashion.
[Orlandouglas fumes silently for a moment before carrying on.]
Orlandouglas-As defendant, you are granted the right to offer an opening statement before the trial begins.
J-Actually, wouldn’t this be more of a tribunal?
R-I thought trials had juries.
K-…
P-I thought it was a council but then again it could be a tribunal or a trial. What do you think?
C-Actually, I prefer to think of it as a crucible.
[There is a muttering of approval and pride from the other plaintiffs at this last.]
Orlandouglas-Good show, Savior! Three whole syllables! You truly are a master of oratory.
[C sticks out a shadowy tongue at the defendant]
C-You see, I told you I knew big words.
[AWOL sighs in irritation, the chains of his handcuffs clanking.]
AWOL-Can we get on with this, please?
Orlandouglas-Right, I have to get back to brainstorming new ways to make the IWC product unwatchable anyways. On with your opening statement!
[AWOL takes a moment to gather himself, looking from each shadowed face to the next in turn.]
AWOL-As many of you have observed and, for some reason, chosen to mock, my preferred style of communication is blunt and to the point, so I shall endeavor to do the same here. I consider these entire proceedings to have been farcical to an extreme. You stand my associates and I up and accuse the lot of us of somehow being inferior without offering a shred of evidence to actually back up these statements. You imply that we are in some way mediocre despite the fact that, when it comes to the upper echelons of competition in this or any wrestling federation, we have competed against and in point of fact been victorious against the lot of you, as well as against competitors who were very much your superiors. At no point has a convincing argument been made that in any way indicates that your group is anything besides a collection of rag-tag misfits who were unable to get the job done on their own and, thus, have banded together for mutual protection. This, however, does not demonstrate any form of ability on your part besides an ability to recognize your own weaknesses, a trait which, while admirable, does not make you a threat. You are, in truth, non-threatening. Thus, if I am guilty of anything, it is simply that I have created the appearance of being dismissive of your chances of defeating us at Extinction. If it appears that way, it is because I have in fact dismissed them completely. You are not a better team than us. You are a much worse team. You are…
[AWOL drifts off as the sound of snoring issues forth from C and P’s monitors.]
Orlandouglas-Plaintiff C and P, are you even listening to what the defendant has to say?
P-No. I’m not. It’s boring and stupid and besides Robin will tell me about it later so I don’t need to actually pay attention.
C-Besides, we’ve heard all of this before, your honor. Frankly, I know what AWOL’s going to say before he even says it and the only thing different about it this time is he’s doing it here rather than inside the broom closet in his apartment. Can we perhaps skip ahead to the questioning?
Orlandouglas-Do you object to this, Mr. AWOL?
AWOL-No.
Orlandouglas-Then the plaintiffs may proceed.
[A lengthy pause, as silence fills the room.]
Orlandouglas-Hello? Did the monitors stop working again? Someone check in the production truck. I heard some vandal has been in there writing on the screens and smashing televisions, maybe they damaged the sound equipment as well.
AWOL-No, your honor, they’re just waiting for me to say something.
Orlandouglas-I’m sorry?
AWOL-The Society members don’t actually have anything meaningful or constructive to contribute on their own. Their rhetorical ability lies entirely in rebuttal. If I don’t say anything, they are essentially left with no material and would have to sit in silence.
Orlandouglas-Very well. Now that the defendant has said something, are the plaintiffs ready to proceed?
Collective-Yes.
Orlandouglas-Good. Then for Christ’s sake do so.
R-Fine, I’ll start things off.
[All attention shifts to R’s monitor.]
R-AWOL…to be honest I’m not entirely sure what I’m supposed to say to you. In point of fact, I have actually not even mentioned you in any of my promos from the previous week, or in fact even mentioned the match at all outside of a brief three paragraph letter direct address in Robin Brooks promo number one.
AWOL-Which begs the question of why you’re even here, but go on.
R-I have, in fact, spent the majority of my time torturing you and the audience by making you watch as I reenact a Maury Povich episode about my Hurse Baby-Daddy drama. So, for you Mr. AWOL, I have only one question.
AWOL-And that is?
R-Dude, can you totally believe that Hurse wanted to see me naked? I mean, I get that I’m super hot and all even though I’m totally preggo right now, but the nerve! What a jerk!
AWOL-Alright, so that pretty much sums up how this trial-
C-Crucible!
AWOL-right, crucible, is going to go. Alright then, R, let’s put aside your sudden, bizarre need to both force Hurse to claim responsibility for your baby and simultaneously snub him and push him away, which by the way are signs that you probably need to seek treatment for borderline personality disorder.
[Check it out! A new insult!]
AWOL-I am forced, yet again,to object to your even being here.
Orlandouglas-On what grounds?
AWOL-Relevance.
Orlandouglas-We’ve already established that R’s promos have nothing resembling match relevance in them. That is not grounds for dismissing her.
AWOL-No, I mean the fact that either she is competing in an athletic competition while in mid to late term pregnancy, making her the most irresponsible mother since the Octo-Mom, or the more likely outcome which is that she’s going to be replaced during the match by a stand-in. Thus, she is not actually competing in this competition, making anything she says irrelevant.
Orlandouglas-We allowed Hurse to promo, even though he is clearly not competing either.
AWOL-Your choice, not mine. Were I in the Five Star Society, I would be ignoring his promos the same way I am ignoring Robin’s. If they are choosing to treat him as a legitimate opponent, that’s their mistake.
[Orlandouglas mulls this over, before reaching forward to press a button on the stand in front of him. R’s screen immediately goes blank.]
Orlandouglas-Objection sustained. The next plaintiff may continue with the questioning.
J-Good, I’ll go next, because I’ve got a bone to pick with you, pal. Where do you get off treating me like I’m some kind of junior member in your little group? I’ve done just as much to earn my place here as you have! And another goddamn thing, I’m tired of you and Kingdom talking down to me like somehow you’re better than me. I’ve been out there fighting the Five Star Society on my own for weeks now while you were both hiding out in the back sitting on your asses!
AWOL-Would you be referring to last week’s Riot!, when I fought my way through Miho Miyazaki and Paris to get to Christian Savior and defeat him?
J-Ye…Uh I mean…no.
AWOL-Aren’t you on my team, Jackson?
J-Yes.
AWOL-Then why are you helping the other team?
J-I’m not sure. Maybe I think it’ll make me stand out more if I play the “Rebel Without a Cause” card and act like I don’t actually want to team with you. It worked for Steve Austin!
[Don’t get your knickers in a twist, Savior, that wasn’t a shot at you. Oh, well I suppose it was, but mostly at your sad attempt at anticipating the rebuttal.]
AWOL-Well, as far as I can see, you’ve spent the majority of your promotional material bashing your own teammates rather than your opponents. This is acceptable, I suppose, given that they have in turn chosen to basically ignore you. However, I have to insist that you do us a favor and maybe get in line? It’s going to be hard enough to get this win without you dragging us down in the process by supporting the other side.
J-…yes sir.
[With another blip, Jackson’s screen also goes blank.]
AWOL-How about you, K? Anything to contribute?
K-…
AWOL-Are you sure?
K-…
AWOL-Last chance!
K-…Did you see Robin chasing me around the house? Man, that totally shows how I’m going to win this match.
AWOL-Right.
[Yet another blip and K is no more. Three down. Suddenly, the sounds of grunting and moaning issue forth from P’s monitor.]
Orlandouglas-What the? P? What are you doing in there?
P-Fucking some chick.
Orlandouglas-Who?
P-Ur mom! Oh, what’s up! Up top!
[Sound of a high-five, presumably with the person P is fornicating with.]
Orlandouglas-Right, middle school jokes aside, do you have anything to ask the defendant?
P-You bet I do! Man how can you insult me for my grammar it’s unbelievable? And stupid! I’m clearly the greatest competitor in this match even if you and everybody else won’t admit it. Obviously. This is obvious because I win. All the time. Even when I’m losing I win because I’m the best. How can you deny this when you lose all the time and you suck?
AWOL-Are you finished?
P-Nearly, though I’m thinking about baseball to try and make this last longer.
AWOL-I meant with your rambling.
P-Unfortunately not I still have time to put up another promo for the match.
[Tragic.]
AWOL-Be that as it may, I think it’s safe to assume that I’ve faced the brunt of the counter-arguments you’re going to throw my way. Admittedly, you still seem to be under the delusion that I am an incompetent technical wrestler despite the fact that I more or less blew that argument out of the water. It appears you’re electing to ignore this fact and try to pretend that it didn’t happen, which admittedly is probably the only hope you have of saving face on this topic, but ultimately doesn’t remove the gorilla from the room.
P-Are you talking about yourself because you totally look like a shaved ape with that bald head! Oh yeah another zinger! High five me!
[More skin slapping, other than the obvious sound of uglies bumping.]
AWOL-Ugh, why do I bother? Look, you want to know why I make fun of the way you talk? Because you somehow are trying to convince the world that you have the ability to be a front man for this company, that’s why. You want the spotlight. You want to be the man out front, to be the man by beating the man, as you put it. Well, there’s a problem there, PL, and it doesn’t have anything to do with your ring abilities which, you’ve claimed, are stellar. Part of this job is communication that has to be done in the form of promotional material. You have to be able to talk to succeed here. What you’re doing in your promos constitutes a failure to achieve this objective. You get one chance at making a first impression, Porno Lad, and my first impression of you came from your ridiculous name and your cretinous inability to express yourself verbally.
[Another big word! You can almost feel C seething!]
AWOL-You are not a draw, Porno Lad. You are not main event material. The only quality you bring to this match is the ability to get in front of a microphone three times and spew indecipherable gibberish. Now yes, as you put it, once we step through the ropes at Extinction the talking ends and the wrestling begins, but will anyone actually be watching it? As you put it, you want to help the company and drive up buy rates. Do you think that turning in this garbage actually does that? No! It makes people want to change the channel! It makes people think “Jesus, this guy’s a moron. Why am I watching him again?” In your case, Porno Lad, I’m not actually convinced that beating the man will be enough to help you be the man. I think you may want to go beat a basic Junior High English equivalency exam first.
P-Oh, dude, I just blew my load all over this chick’s hair. Awesome!
AWOL-Sigh, your honor, please?
Orlandouglas-With pleasure.
[Another button press. Another one bites the dust.]
C-Well.
AWOL-Well.
C-I should have known it would come down to the two of us. After all, you’ve clearly recognized my ability based on the fact that you keep talking about me.
AWOL-Either that, or you’re the only one from your team who’s said anything remotely match-related or decipherable as words up to this point.
C-Be that as it may, you and I both know who the superior competitor in this match-up is.
AWOL-Yes, though I doubt we have the same person in mind.
C-Indeed. Question number one, sir, do you admit that you use single sentence dialogue when creating your promos?
AWOL-I do.
C-Excellent! Then you admit that they are bad, since this clearly indicates that you can’t come up with anything entertaining for the subjects to say!
AWOL-Actually, I was having a conversation with someone. It’s what happens when two people talk to each other and actually listen to what the other person is saying rather than just looking for points to pull out and pick apart later. People don’t typically break out into a five-paragraph essay when they’re talking in real life, that only happens if you’re talking to Hurse.
[Zing!]
C-So you admit it?
AWOL-What, that I was talking to someone and actually letting them respond, then responding to their response, creating a dialogue?
C-Yes.
AWOL-Um, then I suppose so.
C-Splendid! A point for me then. Question number 2: Do you admit to using big words when you talk in your promos?
AWOL-Uh, yes. I suppose.
C-And do you, in fact, rely on logic when creating arguments, holding it up like extravagant jewelry, rather than ignoring facts that disprove what you’re trying to say and making things up when the truth doesn’t actually support your side?
Orlandouglas-Nice line there, with the extravagant jewelry thing.
C-Thank you.
AWOL-Wait, hold on, are you honestly trying to imply that the fact that I have a large vocabulary and construct logical arguments is somehow a hindrance?
C-Yes.
AWOL-Despite the fact that we’re competing in a medium wherein we essentially are required to engage in rhetorical debate with each other and simultaneously entertain fans, thus creating a requirement for the aforementioned logic and vocabulary to be successful?
C-Of course.
AWOL-Well…that’s…wow. Just wow, Savior. I don’t even know how to respond to that. I’m honestly at a loss for words. Next you’re going to tell me that somehow one should try to win wrestling matches by allowing themselves to be pinned to the mat for a three-count.
C-Actually, I was planning on saving that for the next time we face each other.
AWOL-Naturally.
C-Be that as it may, Question number three-Do you admit to using the same bland, generic settings for all of your promos where you may or may not be sitting in your kitchen staring at a camera?
AWOL-I suppose I do from time to time, yes.
C-And do you admit that this makes them an inherently bad product, since the setting and background of a promo is clearly far more important than its actual content?
AWOL-Um, no, I don’t admit that.
C-I remind you you’re under oath!
AWOL-I remind you that you’re an idiot. I do my promos without arbitrarily elbowing an exotic setting into them because, in most cases, the setting of my promos has nothing to do with what I have to say. I could stand in front of a green screen and project images of Honolulu Hawaii behind me while I’m talking if you wanted, but it wouldn’t matter unless, somehow, being in Hawaii actually had something to do with what I had to say. I’m not mocking your silly little “drawing on the TV screens” setting because I just inherently have something against putting in a backdrop. I’m mocking it because it doesn’t actually contribute to your message. It’s a shtick, and a transparent one at that, which ultimately just wastes everyone’s time and adds length to your promo. Now, admittedly, that seems to be one of the more important determining factors of supposed “quality” in this kangaroo court, but nevertheless this insistence of yours that somehow I live in an underground bunker and that I’m severely agoraphobic doesn’t prove anything besides the fact that you’re pin-wheeling your arms wildly right now and just hoping that something will connect.
C-Specifically the fact that I taunted you into doing a promo outside your base setting? Because I totally did.
AWOL-Let me just cut that line of bullshit off right the hell now. First of all, I’m sure you’re congratulating yourself on that even as you’re watching this, but I’ve seen that particular Catch-22 trick thrown out before and it was as obvious then as it is now. You challenge me to do a promo with an interesting setting, and now I supposedly have two options. Either I turn around and just keep doing what I was doing and you say “Look, see, he can’t do it” or, if I do turn around and crawl, wide eyed and terrified out of my little hole to do a promo outside, you can say “Oh, look, I made you do that. Dance on my string puppet, for I am the puppet master!”
[C quickly sets down the marionette handles he was about to lift up onto the screen quickly, hoping no one noticed.]
AWOL-It’s bullshit. It was bullshit when Cruze did it to Kingdom, and it is bullshit now. Trying to think that you’re very clever for coming up with it is like flipping a coin, calling both heads and tails, and then congratulating yourself on being right.
C-But you just said you don’t care about setting, and yet here we are standing in a mock court room conducting a trial-
AWOL-Crucible?
C-Whatever.
AWOL-We’re here because there’s a point to being here. I’ve spent all week getting grilled by your crew in front of the public for the entire world to see. I’ve been defending myself against asinine attacks and doing a fairly convincing job of it, and I wanted to create a metaphor to represent that, thus the court of public opinion where I’m, at last, given the opportunity to face my accusers and attack them head on. Also, it gave me a way to make a mockery of the sad excuse for courtroom drama that you put out in that parody of yours.
C-A parody which, I’ll point out, you are currently ripping off as we speak.
AWOL-Hardly. First of all, if anybody was getting ripped off, it was Rob Reiner, who I feel you owe an apology. Since you brought it up and I did promise to get back to mocking your attempts at parody, lets take a brief examination of this effort of yours. What exactly was your purpose in using “A Few Good Men?”
C-It had enough names, represented the fact that Kingdumb (get it? Kingdum?) wasn’t promoing, and let me make you look like a blithering idiot.
AWOL-But what was the point? Did you mean to imply that Hurse, Jackson, and I had somehow killed him?
C-Well, no, that would be stupid. He’s on your team.
AWOL-See, but in the story you put forth it was somehow implied that I was responsible for him not promoing. Does that make any sort of narrative sense?
C-Well…I mean…
AWOL-No, it doesn’t. See, this is what we keep going on about, Savior. When you do a parody, part of what makes them work is the fact that the story you’re telling has some relationship to the point you’re trying to prove. As an example, the court of public opinions where I’m constantly being tried is full of idiots that can’t actually make effective points. This is the idea behind this promo. You’ll note how I’ve executed it as the story has gone along, and am currently doing so with regards to you. You, on the other hand, seem to just pull DVDs down off of the shelf until you find one that has the right number of characters in it and then wedge the rest of the storyline in until it fits, plot coherency be damned!
C-Actually, it was on HBO…
AWOL-This is, in essence, the same thing I was deriding with the “sitting in a room drawing on TVs” segment as, yet again, you were just elbowing a setting into your promo because, to you at least, this somehow makes it better. I have news, Savior, it doesn’t. It’s a blatant attempt at adding fluff and trying to disguise it as content, and I am frankly sick of it.
C-Well, you have to admit that I am better than you at coming up with silly names “Awalrus.”
[AWOL simply points at Orlandouglas, and the criticism silences.]
AWOL-But to at least drag something meaningful out of that atrocity you made us sit through, of the two of us, Savior, the one who can’t handle the truth is you.
[Ooh, do I smell quote of the week?]
AWOL-I’ve beaten you twice, Christian, not once. Both of us were in the ring at the OBE. I was in with you. I pinned you. One, two, three, your team is eliminated. Trying to imply that somehow that isn’t the most primal, elementary representation imaginable for me beating you is just you being pedantic.
C-I didn’t get to the questions about the win loss record yet-
AWOL-I DON’T FUCKING CARE. I am tired of your voice, so I’m going to do the talking for you. You want to match up title belt histories? First off, you’re going to try and get on my case for not having my facts straight about you and Johnny’s win-loss record, but then you’re going to turn around and make a point based on which stable has held the most belts based off of, what, your best guess as to how many belts we’ve won? What if we had more than eight? Wouldn’t that pretty much throw any of your nit-picks on this subject straight out the window? I’m pretty sure it would.
C-But-
AWOL-I don’t deal in exaggerated sentiments of skill and ability, I deal in fact, Savior. The fact of the matter is, every match where the two of us have been in the ring together I’ve pinned you and eliminated you. No amount of spinning and revisionist history changes this. You are not better than me, and you are not better than Johnny. And what the hell is this shit about me trying to steal the Cartel Title from Axl Evermore? I had one match with the guy, it was non-title, and I haven’t given him a second thought since then. You are literally just making shit up, aren’t you?
C-No, you were trying to get the Cartel title from me, so clearly you want it.
AWOL-Wrong. Clearly, what I wanted was to make your possession of the belt illegitimate, a criticism you’ve completely failed to address, much like any of the other things I’ve said to you. Face it Savior, you’ve lost the debate. No one outside of the people you pay to team up with you believes you. Continuing the little jabs just makes you look sad, or in any case sadder than you already do. And that is, I’m afraid, the only thing I have left to say to you.
C-Well…you’re wrong.
AWOL-Based on what?
C-…the fact that I said so?
[With a final, authoritative blip, Savior’s screen goes blank as well. AWOL’s gaze turns up to the divided arbiter.]
AWOL-I guess he was right about one thing. People really do go to any lengths to get the last word.
Orlandouglas-Do you have any closing remarks before I render judgment?
AWOL-Yes. The implication was made by Christian Savior that the advancement of his team from obscurity to infamy is, in some way, the product of natural selection. First of all, I hardly need to point out that a man who uses the sentence “Natural selection is the natural survival tactic of nature,” can not actually be looked to as an authority on the subject. However, to just completely batter the metaphor into the ground, I would like to postulate that a type of selection was involved in bringing the Five Star Society to prominence, just not natural selection. The guilty party was, in fact, a phenomenon more akin to genetic drift. Essentially, the IWC was isolated, cut off from a large, more robust gene pool for an extended period of time. Myself and Johnny Kingdom were not here. Equalizing factors were absent, and random chance was allowed to ensue and, in the process, a trait which would otherwise be found to be unfavorable, in this case I’m referring essentially to the entirety of what defines Christian Savior, was allowed to flourish. The same phenomenon can be seen in populations like the Amish, which are so inbred now that traits like dwarfism are highly overexpressed. Random chance, not natural selection, is responsible for the current state of affairs, but the thing about drift is that it doesn’t make organisms faster, stronger, or better. If anything, it eliminates diversity, creating a world where everything is the same, rigid, unbending form that can’t respond to new challenges from the environment. And when a new challenge finally does arrive, in this case in the form of the Empire, they find themselves so trapped by this that they fail to adapt. They suffer. They struggle. And ultimately, there is only one final outcome for this sick, sad, wretched little mistake from Mother Nature’s great plan: Extinction.
[AWOL pauses, looking up at the judge, waiting for the verdict. However, the plaintiff screens instead reactivate.]
Orlandouglas-Are the plaintiffs ready to make their case?
Plaintiffs-Yes.
[AWOL looks justifiably upset.]
AWOL-I’m sorry, I was pretty sure that I just verbally kicked their asses. Shouldn't I be exonerated now?
Orlandouglas-You are wrong, sir. This is the court of public opinion. Trials never end here. You will find yourself, from this point on, continually making these same arguments to these same people over and over again with no obvious effect. I should have thought that during your lengthy career you would have figured that out by now.
AWOL-Yes, I suppose I should have.
[He bows his head, fatigue clearly setting into his massive frame. It lasts only a moment, however, as he quickly looks back up at the accusers, expression resolute as ever.]
AWOL-Fine, let’s get back to me telling you all how wrong you are about every thought you’ve ever had…
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